Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you. Time makes you bolder even children get older and I'm getting older too.

A question is impossible to ask for the answer is impossible to come about. One way or another you will get an answer but the rationality of the answer itself is often questionable. That being said, how do you ask a question with a deep desire for an answer from the mind? The heart tends to interfere with our answers time and time again giving us a false outlook on the world. How do we know what's real? What is meant to exist and what is meant to have long since faded by. How does one know when the heart interrupts the mind and channels it's own thoughts while simultaneously overriding the honest, rational answer that comes from the mind? I don't know.

I never thought I'd die alone, another six months I'll be unknown. Give all my things to all my friends, you'll never step foot in my room again.

So I've been thinking a lot. About life, death, and all that's in between.. What if I don't want to get old? I mean, I don't want to wake up one day, realize I'm 80 and think back to the days when I was young and know that I'll never be like that again.. I wish I could just stop aging at 30 but still die in 70 years or so. Also, I don't want to see the people I love die away before me..
Another thing that's been on my mind that ties in with all this life and death ranting is Destany and I. I know it'd be rad to die together, but the chances of that are small. One of us will die first.. I want it to be me because I don't want to handle her death, but at the same time I don't want to put her through the pain of losing me. So.. I want to die last, because she will never have to be alone again. I just worry. I worry what I would do if I lost her and I worry what she would do if she lost me. I mean anything can happen.. I could get hit by a car tomorrow and die, or get kidnapped and never see her face again.. I would die. and I'm not even exaggerating. I can't live without her. I refuse to be afraid of death because I refuse to live my life in fear. I'd much rather tempt death by living life to it's fullest. I guess the moral to this thought is just live like you're gonna die tomorrow and you'll die knowing you lived a great life. I know it'll be a while before I'm 80, but that doesn't stop me from being kidnapped and shot or hit by a car or robbed and stabbed in my house.. Anything could happen.. I wish I was with Dest.. =\

Well, I haven't written in a while so I decided I would.

Today is the first day of summer, it already sucks(: This morning while I was laying in my bed I was deciding the best way of getting to Destany's house in the middle of the night. If I left at 12 I could get there in a few hours (Depending on HOW I get there) adn I wouldn't have to be home until 3ish 'cause my mom works 'til then and my older broher is never home. The only person who would know I was gone is Stevie, but I can pay him not to tell on me.. now I just need some way of getting there...

Random note: I've decided  that sleeping in jeans is lame. Convenient, but lame. So I then decided to start sleeping in my boxers. I bet you're picturing me in my boxers. Just my boxers. O.o Hehehe... =] I guess sleeping in just your boxers could be convenient too.. depends on who's with you. =]

Yesterday was good for the most part. First I had 2 hours in Spanish which kind of sucked a lot. But it's okay. Then I had gym 2 hours in gym which was pretty awesome. I just hung out with Destany, Katie, and Eric while everyone else was in the pool. We played follow the leader and we spun around a lot. =] Then I tried to attack Destany.. Let's just say I ended up with my face in between her legs because things got really wet. ;] No seriously, the grass was wet and I slipped and fell on me arse. She just happened to turn around at that moment. =] Anyway, that was fun. Then Katie and Eric left and Ashlie came over. We laid down on the cement because, well, the grass was wet (As I had found out earlier.) We talked for a while, then Natalya came over and while she was talking to Ashlie I kissed Destany which was actually a pretty rad kiss until the kids behind the fence popped out of no where and started screaming shit. But it's all good. =] Then we all went to the gym and Destany started crying because we're gonna be apart for so long.. Anyway, After class we said good bye to everyone and Destany and I went to the buses the back way because there's no one back there. We said goodbye.

Then school was out, I walked to town with Amy, Bridgette, Forrest, and Ray. I also realized at this point that I still had Destany's headphones so.. yeah. I'll bring them over when I bring over the thing that I made in wood shop for you. =] Anyway, we hung out in town, walked to little Caesars and got a pizza then went to Raley's where I stole Amy a doughnut 'cause I'm cool like that ;] Then we went over to Vons, I found a CVS shopping cart so Forrest pushed me around in it.. through Vons =] It was fun, we kept waving to see how many people would wave back at us. People just looked at us like we're stupid. Especially when I was in the basket.. =] Then I left, my grandma picked me up to get a haircut.

Then I went home and hung out with Stevie for a while until my mom got home. She asked me if I wanted to go to the graduation for YHS because Gretchen (Nick's [my brother] girlfriend) gave us some tickets.I said sure why not. I got there and hung out with Eric, Katie, Jackie, and Natalya. That was pretty fun. I was taking pictures of random people. =] Everything was cool until someone pointed out Austin was sitting across from us.. I thought I could be okay around him, but every time I see him I see the guy I almost lost Destany too. The guy that she almost left me for. The guy that's probably better for than me. The guy that she should probably be with. But it's okay. I guess it'll just take some more time.

Then we went home. I must say though, I worry myself sometimes. On the way home I unconsciously told my mom that Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy is hot.. I didn't even realize there was anything weird about that until my mom asked if I like guys.. O.o So, I just thought I'd share that bit of information with you people.

Have a great life, I'll see ya 'round.

I can't find myself

My thoughts, too hollow to write about and too deep to even begin.

From the outside looking in we shout the anthem of our lives.

1. Your boy side

[X] you love hoodies. 

[x] you love jeans. 

[I'm indifferent] dogs are better than cats. 

[Depends] it’s hilarious when people get hurt. 

[ ] shopping is torture 

[ x] sad movies suck

[ x] you own a car racing game. 

[ X] you played with hot wheels cars as a kid.

[X ] at some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter. 

[X] you owned a ds, ps2, n64, or sega. 

[] you used to be obsessed with power rangers. 

[Unfortunately] you have watched sports on tv.

[X] gory movies are cool. 

[Ha.. ] you go to your dad for advice. 

[ ] you own like a trillion baseball caps. 

[ ] you used to collect hockey cards. 

[] baggy sweats are comfy to wear.

[] it’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people. 

[X] green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colours. 

[X] you love to go crazy and not care what people think. 

[] sports are fun.

[X] you sometimes talk with food in your mouth. 

[Never!] you sleep with your socks on at night. 

[Twice =\] you have fished at least once.

2. Your girl side

[] you love to shop. 

[Once.] you wear eyeliner. 

[Headphones count?] you wear the color pink

[] you go to your mom to talk. 

[] you consider cheerleading a sport.

[X] you hate wearing the color black. 

[] you like going to the mall.

[] you like getting manicures and/or pedicures.

[] you like wearing jewelry. 

[] you cried watching the notebook.

[] dresses are a big part of your wardrobe. 

[] shopping is one of your favorite hobbies. 

[Never seen it..] you don’t like the movie star wars. 

[] you are/were in gymnastics. 

[X] it can take you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.

[How much SHOULD you smile] you smile a lot more than you should. 

[] you have more than 10 pairs of shoes.

[X] you care about what you look like. 

[] you like wearing dresses when you can. 

[] you like wearing high heel shoes. 

[] you used to play with dolls as little kid. 

[] you like putting make-up on others. 

[ ] you like being the star of everything. 

[X] pink is one of your favorite colors.

3. Appearance

[] i am shorter than 5′5″. 

[X] i have many scars. 

[] i tan/burn easily. 

[] i wish my hair was a different color.

[] i have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour. 

[X] i want a tattoo. 

[X] i am self-conscious about my appearance. 

[ X] i’ve had/have braces. 

[] i’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger. 

[ ] i have more than two piercings.

[] i want piercings in places besides my ears.

4. Experiences

[] i’ve gotten lost in my city. 

[x] i’ve seen a shooting star. 

[x]  i’ve wished on a shooting star. 

[x] i’ve seen a meteor shower. 

[I sleep in jeans and boxers..] i’ve gone out in public in my pajamas. 

[X] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator. 

[X] i’ve kicked a guy where it hurts. 

[X] i’ve been to a casino. 

[ ] i’ve been skydiving. 

[] i’ve gone skinny-dipping. 

[ ] i’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. 

[ ] i’ve crashed a car. 

[ ] i’ve been skiing.

[X ] i’ve been in a musical. 

[x ] i’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue. 

[ ] i’ve seen the northern lights. 

[] i’ve sat on a rooftop at night. 

[XXX] i’ve played a prank on someone. 

[X] i’ve ridden in a taxi. 

[...]  i’ve seen the rocky horror picture show. 

[X =\] i’ve eaten sushi. 

[X] i’ve been snowboarding.

5. Relationships

[] i’m single. 

[X] i’m in a relationship. 

[ ] i’m engaged. 

[ ] i’m married. 

[x] i miss someone right now. 

[ ] i’ve gotten divorced. 

[X] i’ve told someone i loved them when i didn’t. 

[] i’ve told someone i didn’t love them when i did.

6. Honesty/crime 

[x] i’ve done something i promised someone else i wouldn’t. 

[x] i’ve done something i promised myself i wouldn’t. 

[X] i’ve snuck out 

[XXX] i’ve lied to my parents about where i am. 

[X] i’ve cheated while playing a game. 

[ ] i’ve ran a red light. 

[X] i’ve witnessed a crime. 

[ ] i’ve been in a fist fight.

[ ] i’ve been arrested.

7. Death and suicide

[] i’m afraid of dying. 

[] i hate funerals. 

[X] i’ve seen someone/something dying. 

[X...] someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide. 

[X] i’ve planned my own suicide before.

[I should do that] i’ve written a eulogy for myself.

8. Random

[HA!] i can sing well 

[] i’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.

[] i open up to others easily.

[ ] i watch the news.

[ ] i don’t kill bugs.

[ x] i sing in the shower. 

[X ] i am a morning person. 

[X ] i paid for a cell phone ring tone. 

[] i am a sports fanatic.

[] i twirl my hair. 

[x] i care about grammar. 

[ ] i have “?”’s in my screen name.

[ x] i’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day. 

[I don't know, I've never been cooked] i bake well. 

[X] my favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange. 

[Again.. jeans and boxers ] i would wear pajamas to school.

[ ] i like martha stewart. 

[] i laugh at my own jokes.

[] i eat fast food weekly.

[] i’ve not turned anything in and still got an a in a certain class.

[X] i can’t sleep if there is a spider/cockroach in the room. 

[No comment] i am ticklish. 

[I'm indifferent] i love white chocolate. 

[] i bite my nails. 

[X] i’m good at remembering faces. 

[] i’m good at remembering names. 

[Just important ones.] i’m good at remembering dates. 

[X] i honestly have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.

[X] all my answers were totally honest.

I've been waiting for something for so long to show me the answers that I want. A reason to believe in that's so strong, but I don't think that it exists.

I wrote this speech for my English final, I'm going to present it tomorrow to the class.


Hello, I'm Jacob and I'll be talking about creationism and why I'm against it, basically why I don't believe in God.

First and foremost it's because of all the useless pain and suffering in the world. I mean we watch the news and see rapist and child molesters taking victims everyday. I hear kids walking around saying things like "I'm gonna rape you" and laughing about it, but it's not funny. 683,000 forced rapes happen every year which if you do the math comes out to 1,871 every day, 78 every hour and about 1 every minute. So where's your God then? Where's your God when kid's are being beaten by their parents, when kids resort to self-mutilation such as cutting and burning, when kids commit suicide because the pain became too much to handle, when kids become bulimic and anorexic. Where's your god then?

Another reason I don't believe is because of all the disease in the world. If God was really as righteous and caring as you make him out to be then wouldn't he take everyone in a peaceful way? Not torture them with disease like cancer until they're begging for death. And I know not everyone dies from cancer, you may say it's a miracle from God that  they survived, but if it was God then it sounds to me like he was just playing a sick joke on the poor bastard by giving him cancer in the first place.

Alright, when people ask me why I don't believe in God, I say "The questions not why I don't believe in God, but why do you?" You see I've got fact on my side, you just have faith. Everyday scientist find facts that further prove the theory of evolution with the use of fossils and carbon dating, However creationism is based on just fact. The only way you can prove God exists is if he comes down here himself and says "Hey guys what's up, I exist" and we all go off and have a cocktail party with him. But that will never happen. My point is, is doesn't matter how many people believe in God, it still doesn't prove his existence. I mean, what's more reasonable to believe in, fact or faith?

You see, people believe in God and do good things because they're afraid if they don't they will go to Hell. Well, the difference between you and me is I do good things and don't expect anything in return, you do good things to get into Heaven. You won't go to Hell if you don't do good things, but do them anyway 'cause it's not gonna hurt.

Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with faith because there isn't. Not until it starts affecting others. You can't reject a member of society because of their sexuality or because they don't share your beliefs. I mean you can't hate someone for who they are, Your God made them that way, right? My point is faith can be dangerous. In fact, Richard Dawkins once said "It is fashionable to wax apocalyptic about thrreats to humanity posed by the AIDS Virus, Mad Cow Disease, and many others, but I believe a case can be made that faith is one of the world's great evils, comparable to the small pox disease, but harder to eradicate." What he's saying is faith is as dangerous as  Small Pox, it's just harder to get rid of.

So tell me, why doesn't  your God step up and stop all this pain and suffering, all the agony that comes from disease, all the discrimination in our society? My best guess: Your God doesn't exist.

- Jacob Schumaker