Sunday, November 28, 2010


It's a terrible feeling. I hate it more than I hate anything else, yet I can't let go of it. This feeling of complete bliss whenever i'm with you, I've never felt anything like it. I hate it. The way I completely forget about the rest of the world when we kiss, it's amazing. I hate it. But if there is one truly amazing thing about this feeling it's that even though I hate it, I never want it to end.. because now that I've felt it, taking it away would be like taking way the only thing in my life that matters. I guess thats why I hate the feeling of love so much, it took over my life and i'm afraid to lose it. I hate being afraid and this feeling, this love, makes me very scared because I'm very very afraid i'm going to lose it. I'm afraid i'm going to lose you..

Thursday, November 25, 2010


In honor of Thanksgiving I've decided to post everything I'm thankful for, everything i'm grateful for, so here it goes. To start off I am thankful for being able to still breath. I am thankful for my friends because they get me through the day. I am thankful for my music because it gets me through the day when there is no one else with me. But the one thing I am absolutely most thankful for is Destany, because she is the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. I am completely in love with her and I fall in love with her more and more everyday I see her, every time I kiss her, ever second I hold her, I fall deeper and deeper in love with her. So thank you Destany... for everything. I love you forever and always.

3 A.M. Whats on my mind?

So, I've decided not to go to sleep for a while. I've been staying up this late for a few days now, it's really not good for me but I love it because when i'm up this late I can think about absolutely everything on my mind until I get caught up on one thought of course. Right now at this very moment what is on my mind? Well I would have to say Destany Caywood, otherwise known as the love of my life. I love her more than anything and I will until the day we day. I love you Destany!!!!! Another thing on my mind is how much I miss her right now. I won't be able to see her until Monday so i'm kind of sad about that. Do you realize that you have taken over my brain? All my thoughts, my dreams, everything in my head is about you.. you are my everything and I hope you know that. Baby, I love you more than anything and everything and I always will.... Now what color should I make this post? I'm gonna make it dark purple just for shits and giggles. =D 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

-Empty Wishes and Dreams-

I wish I could tell you these thoughts in my mind.
I wish I could show you the walls I hide behind.
I wish I could let you into my head.
I wish I could prove to you i'm better off dead.
I wish I could show you what I truly want.
I wish I could know what I truly want.
I wish I could find hope in hopeless dreams.
I wish I could block out these spine chilling screams.
I wish I could hear absolute silence.
I wish I could kill off this horrifying violence.

I wish I could be the completely honest me.
I wish I could take off this mask just to see.
I wish I could die to watch whats left behind.

I wish I could cry but the tears I could never find.
I wish I could restitch all of the torn seems.
And I wish I could find all these wishes and dreams

Mystery of the unknown

So, a while back I made a second blog titled "Drops of Blood" but I locked it because I didn't want you to see whats inside because I knew it would only hurt you.. and I never want to hurt you. But I know you want to know what is written and i'm thinking about releasing it to the public... but not yet. I probably will come December but for now it will remain hidden.

Monday, November 22, 2010

What could have been..

9 days until the day that could have been.. the day that should have been.. 9 more days until the first of December. I dread the day as I dread the first of every month that passes now. Every time a new month starts it reminds me of what could have been. An anniversary of nothing.. 2 months strong of being alone again. I know it shouldn't matter because February is coming soon, but it's still hard... knowing what the 1st of every month should be and knowing what it's not... It's just hard..

Sunday, November 21, 2010

-Soul Seeker-

Soul seeker did you find your dream?
Did you find a love that restitched every seem?
Is this what you were looking for,
A slow beating heart bleeding out on the floor?

I never understood
Why someone ever would
See a broken down door and walk right in.
Stealing away my broken, bleeding heart of sin.

Looking into your eyes
I take off this disguise
and you accept me for who I am.
You don't disregard, nor condemn.

I will never know why you wanted this empty heart.
It's dying, cracking and falling apart.
But you saw through the darkness
and showed me complete bliss and happiness.

So thank you for stealing away my empty soul.
This dark, dying black hole.
Thank you for taking me away
and showing me a brighter day.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Black Veil Brides - Knives and Pens

Instead of writing about how I feel I decided to post this video to show you how I feel. Simply watch the shit the kid goes through in this video and watch how he feels. It's basically a video about my life and about many other kids lives as well.

Friday, November 19, 2010

All Apologies

All I have to write is simply I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for losing the perfect chance and I'm sorry for everything I have done... and for everything I haven't done.. I'm just sorry.. I love you so much and I wish I could go back in time. I would do it all over again. I just didn't think you wanted me to.. I just wanted you to look up so I know it's okay. I'm just.. I'm sorry.. and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I love you..

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Interesting thought, death is. What happens when we die? After our hearts stop beating where do we go? What do you think happens? What do you want to happen? Questions never to be answered because unfortunately dead people can't talk, which makes it very hard to argue with them. Anyway, I'm going to write my thoughts precisely because, well, this is a blog about my thoughts, my life, my mind, etc... So, what I THINK happens when we die; I believe it's as if we go to sleep, a very deep sleep but the only difference is we never wake up. It's like a dreamless night of deep sleep without the awakening, Just. Simply. Dead. It's rather sad but that is what I believe thinking in logical terms. Now, what I WANT to happen when death parts is I want there to be an afterlife. In this life there will be everyone you want to be there and it will be in a world however you want it to be. As if you're living in your greatest dream, your favorite fantasy, your wishes and hopes become true at last and everything is perfect. Thats just one theory, it's far from logical or realistic but it's a nice thought. Everything you want to happen just happens and life is the way you always wanted it to be. Another theory is a theory based upon the thoughts and beliefs of the Mexican holiday, Dia De Los Muertos; these beliefs are that of which you spend your life as best you can, get married basically. Then, when death comes your way, you spend the afterlife with the one you married, the one you love and you are forever together in a world made for the two of you. Again, not a bad thought, not logical, but it would be nice. So, what are your thoughts on death?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


To Destany.

Your eyes were dimmed, as if two dying stars.
Darkness, shines through all of your scars.
Trapped, behind these cold steel bars.
Your heart refined, locked in your arms.

Comes a hand from the darkest of night.

With fear you grasp and hold on tight.
It's a beautiful sight
and for once it feels right.

You stole my heart, my love.
And it's you I always think of.
Ever since you fell from above,
as if a lost broken winged dove.

With open arms I caught.
This life once thought.
This dream once sought.
This world untaught.

Now these arms they hold,
A broken heart of gold.
Sorrowful and cold,
the silent tears rolled.

This dark heart of deep blue.
I restored as if new.
So through the stars we flew.
Forever meant to be me and you.

And now, your eyes are bright, as if two shining stars.
Darkness hides under all of your faded scars.
Freed from the cold steel bars.
Your heart found and safe in my arms.

-Jacob Schumaker

..I will always love you. <3

Personal poetry history.

Just a thought to think about before you laugh your ass off at the terribly written poem i'm about to post. I never could write a poem about happiness or love and every time I try it turns out mediocre and cliche. I can write poems all day long if they're about death, suicide, cutting, blood, sorrow, tears.. you know, things I've had experience with. However happiness and love are not in my history until just recently of course. So please don't judge for the poem i'm posting after this. I already know it's written terribly and I have no idea why i'm posting it, but I am. Thats all I really have to say, this is just a warning. And for those of you who expect me to write an amazing love poem here is literally a word of advice: don't.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Highlights of the day.

Well, today was a wonderful day. I found out some interesting things about myself I did not know or even think were close to true. I got random bursts of energy throughout the day and on top of that I got to be with the love of my life. =] Day started as usual, woke up, got ready and head off to the bus stop. Waited there for a while which was boring and then finally got to school. Hung out on the bridge with Destany until the bell rang then walked her to class. After that it was pretty boring until lunch came. Then I walked into the library very quietly because last time we got kicked out for reasons unknown. Then Destany came in and made my day better, we read a comic book lol, it was very very interesting. I know it  doesn't seem very exciting but because I was with her it was very fun. Then we left and went to 6th where I had a debate (Boys Vs, Girls) on the pros and cons of the Industrial Revolution. Boys won. =] Then after I left I got a random burst of energy and became really hyper. So 7th period I was with Destany and really just sat and talked the whole time. Pretty boring day now that I think about it, but it was really fun at the same time. As for the "interesting things" I found out that I am somewhat of a good kisser. =] Which makes me happy. =] I shall end this post by simply saying I love you Destany, I'm very very glad you're in my life. =] 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

-Knives and Blades-

Knives and blades
they cut my veins.
I lose control, 

I'm no longer sane.

I try to tame

this addicting pain
but it's a drug
I can't refrain.

Again and again
I cut the skin
Free myself
from the darkness within.

These urges they fill my head.
flooding my arm, staining red.
I am hopeless. I am lost.

I am better off dead.

But the fear begins 
My mind, it sends
an image of your tears
and my insanity ends.

You're disappointed,
broken hearted.
Relieved inside
that death never parted.

Then we promised,
It was simple and honest.
No more cutting.
It's for the best.

I can do this for you.
The challenges we knew.
Just hold me close,
and we can make it through.

The nights may feel darker
The knives may look sharper.
But we can't fall to temptation.
We can't fall in deeper.

These cuts will slowly fade away.
And we will find a day,
with just you and me,
living in someday.

Making a deal.

It's official, the deal is set in place. No more cutting. Part of me is very glad, part of me is not glad at all. I don't want to stop, but I will because I would do absolutely anything for her, including this. I don't think I could have.... I know I couldn't have stopped if she wasn't here with me. I just can't stand to see her like this, I love her far too much to let her get hurt. So if I can stop her by stopping myself, then thats just what I plan to do. I love her..

Saturday, November 13, 2010

A random memory about my life.

My first kiss... Well, where do I start? The first random memory that came to my mind was my first kiss. It was this year, as a Sophomore. I know lame right? Anyway, it was with the most amazing girl in the world, yes Destany thats you. =] It was rather... awkward. Some might say it was even comical, but it's a memory I'm glad I have. So, basically the story is I screwed up our first kiss, but the second one was better. =] Not as funny I should say. There were more after that and there are plenty more to come and if one things for sure, it will always be a kiss with you. I love you Destany<3


Life can't get any worse, honestly I think I'm at the lowest point in life right now. Underage is a terrible place to be. We can't drive away, we aren't aloud to move out, we are forced to live under all these rules. It's becoming very hard NOT to run away... This country isn't free, for anyone. To be free you need money and power which is something few people have. Your rights are taken away as a child, you never seem to get them back. This life I live is a dictatorship, and the dictator is a contradicting blind sided bitch. I am not trusted nor am I wanted, I feel as though there is nothing stopping me from walking out of this life in search of a new one right now.

Friday, November 12, 2010


I somehow find a state of bliss
in eternal emptiness.
Forevermore alone.
My heart, I condone.
Look into my eyes
and see darkness and lies.
Inflicting themselves

inside my mind.
If you seek my truth
It's living its youth.
Not much to find
but a tattered soul from a world unkind.
Living this life

and holding this knife,
Tight in my hand
searching for this perfect land.
Where happiness flies

and sorrow dies.
It's a land that you see,
but it's a land of myth to me.
Tis a story of fiction,
but this world is your addiction.
So you create a transparent image.
But I find truth when I feel these ridges.

Reality is what I see.
Not these lies hosted to me.
You invited me to a world of dreams,
but i'm more content in my world of screams.
Someday your world will fall apart
and you will be left with a broken heart.
Bleeding out into the night
falling away from the bright light.
You finally see the failure in your success.
When you're lying down here with the rest of us.

Decompose into the ground.
You're another lost soul never to be found.
Wishing for nothing more but to break free.
You wanted me to be what you couldn't be.
I was never the perfect child,
which is why I've always been exiled.
Pushed aside to an alley of lies
Watching hopelessly as everyone dies.
I was never the perfect son
I always wanted to run.
Free myself from your grip
Get away from the your sickening guilt trip.
Fight my way through your rules.
Watch you use people like fools.
I won't fall a victim or break down and cry.
I will live heartless, I will steal and I will lie.
I promise, I will rebel.
I promise my soul, I will sell.
Life began
as the Devil's workman.
Slaving through the night.
Making you shiver while causing a fright.
Making you cry
and want nothing more but to die.
I will shatter your soul
and burn you like coal.
Until you can see
what it's like to be me.
With a state of mind
impossible to find.
Living a life of  pain and agony.
Watching every bitter causality.
Looking through my eyes you will see

this is a world lived in by only me.
And while running around in all of this
I somehow find a state of bliss.

- Jacob Schumaker

-Sick Addiction-

It's a sick addiction
to blood loss and pain.
Rip the knife through my vein
and watch the blood slowly drain.

I can't escape this feeling,
these scars and these stains.
It's an uncontrollable urge.
Impossible to refrain.

If this knife is my syringe,
then these cuts are my heroin.
All reasons have escaped me
yet I pick up the blade again.

Lack of motive, 
but I still cut the skin.
To describe this feeling,
I couldn't begin.

Inflict the pain
with not a chance for tears.
Blood always falls first.
It has for years.

It's a sick addiction
to blood loss and pain.
Once again I take the knife
and blood pours out of my vein.

- Jacob Schumaker

And then there was 1...

Alone again. This house is quiet, silent. My hands are cold and there is a lot on my mind. The main thought throbbing in my head right now is how many days will it be before I cut again? It will happen eventually, but when? I guess I'm just curious to find out and part of me wants it to happen now. I'm alone in this empty house yet again, but I won't cut because I don't want to hurt you again... So I shall numb this silence with alcohol and continue thinking about all these thoughts in my head.

Sophomore year

     Sophomore year. If I could only say one thing about sophomore year it would be that this is hands down the best year of my life because this is the year I met Destany on August 30th. Before this the year was rather boring and repetitive. Then came August 30th, it was 7th period. We were all in the gym just hanging out I'm pretty sure we were playing dodge ball. So anyway, there I was sitting innocently when the most beautiful girl in the room decides to randomly say hi to me.... if you haven't guessed already that girl was Destany. So thats when we met, and thats when my life started to change in a very good way. I started eating lunch with her over with her friends. This is when I met everyone, like Amy, Allison, Danielle, Kailyn, Samantha, Angelina, Gabe, Robert, and some other people as well. Now I started hanging out with them more often, and with them I just felt like I belonged there. Unfortunately one day Jake (The same one from 8th grade) followed me over there and started to everyday after that. So when I said "Why do you have to follow me over here everyday?" his exact words to me were "Because you have hot friends." He didn't like these people because of who they are he like them because he thinks they're hot. Thats the only reason he hung out over there. He finally left after getting rejected by Amy and being hated by everyone for almost faking suicide to scare them... he was never really suicidal.
   It didn't take long, a matter of days before I fell in love with Destany. I told her I loved her on September 4th... correct me if I'm wrong but i'm pretty sure that was the date. She didn't say she loved me back. Her response was "I don't know how to reply to that" At the time I felt like I had fallen and I couldn't catch myself. I was rather upset, but I was used to rejection from the world.... I was just never used to rejection from someone you love because she is the only person I've ever loved so it hurt when she didn't say it back, but eventually she did. =] Time went on and it felt like forever, but I knew she was worth waiting for, worth fighting for and I knew it from the start. =) Currently we are happily in love but forbidden to be together, To sum up our story just read Romeo and Juliet then take out the suicide at the end. Thats pretty much how things are. Torn apart by parents yet still close. I love her more than anything and I could never let her go.

    Thats really all there is to Sophomore year, she changed my life, made me a completely different person... in a good way of course. My best friend would have to be Blake. He is really cool because he literally doesn't care about anything or anyone. He has never had a crush on anyone and he isn't gay. He just has no feelings which in turn makes him pretty awesome. =) So him and Destany of course are my 2 best friends. Thats sophomore year so far.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A bit of Background

    Well, to start I will say my name is Jacob. I used to love my name until I got to high school and realized half the kids have the same names as me.. If I could change my name to anything it would be something unique and uncommon. I was born on September 20th. I wish I had been born in October because then my birthday and my favorite holiday would be in the same month. =] I love Halloween, I always have and I love Dia de Los Muertos, but not many people celebrate that up here. The people I live with don't celebrate Dia de Los Muertos either, they don't understand it. It's a holiday about the celebration of death rather than the mourning of death. The only people I know who actually celebrate it our my cousins who live in San Diego. They are my biggest inspiration in life. They both went to Yosemite High School (Where I go now) and they are both like me so they are the only people who really understand me. My blood cousins name is Jon and he married Chynna who writes and illustrates comic books. They are really amazing people and quite often I wish I lived down with them in San Diego.

    Not much of a childhood, at least not much I can remember. Around the age of 5 my father died which scarred me for life, but after 10 years it's gotten easier. I guess that pretty much fucked up my childhood right there because life was never the same after that. I'm not entirely sure how he died because when it came to telling us my mother was rather vague. I want to ask what really happened because I think it's something I need to know, but it's something that could change my outlook on many things. Someday I will ask and find out the truth but for now I'm somewhat content about living with a possibly lie. I live with my mom and my 2 brothers but most of the time i'm the only one home. My mother's name is Lori but she is always out with friends. My oldest brother's name is Nick, he is really smart but he is nothing like me. He is always at work, at college, or with his girlfriend. My youngest brother's name is Stevie. He was named after my father (Steve) and he is usually with my mom and her boyfriend unless my mom is at the bar or at a party he is at home with me but we never talk.

    I used to be very depressed. That started in about 6th grade. I was always a dark child after my father died but I started showing signs in 6th grade. I started wearing all black and locking myself away from everyone. Never letting anyone into my heart and taking in all the insults letting everyone slowly kill me. Most the people I considered friends called me emo and many other things. If I have one true friend it would be Blake. I've known him since preschool and we have always been friends. Even today in our sophomore year of high school he is one of my best friends. My next post will be all about sophomore year. =]

    Like I said before I was always a dark child after my father died. My memory dates back to about fourth grade, I can't remember much before then. In fourth grade I started writing poetry. I guess thats when we started learning about poetry. I have never been able to write a poem about happiness or love and when I try it turns out rather mediocre and cliche. I always write dark poetry, about death and suicide etc.. I remember one of the first poems I wrote in fourth grade was about the death of myself. I shared it in front of the class and thats when the kids wrote me off as an outcast. Even the teacher didn't like me because I was such a morbid child. That teacher was horrible, so horrible I ended up going into home school for the last 3 months of the school year. I went back in 5th grade and continued on. Things weren't so bad in 5th grade, but then came 6th grade. The insults had gotten the best of me, I felt like the world came crashing down and there was nothing I could do so I locked myself away for a long time. Then came 7th grade, I was still the same but things got better because of my English teacher Mrs. Fowler. She made us keep a journal and write a page everyday, I wish I still had it. I would love to see what I had wrote about in 7th grade. I don't remember much I just remember she taught me a lot about writing and poetry but mainly she taught me a lot about life and how to live life. She is a very calm, laid back person and very fun to be around. Her class was always dimmed and she had a couch in there we could kick back on while we watched movies. That was probably my favorite teacher in elementary school. =)

    8th grade there isn't much to write about, I wasn't as depressed but this is the year I wrote most of my poetry. I had a lot more fun in this year but I was still very locked up and I still secluded myself from everyone. This was the year I had my second favorite teacher Mr. Wimer.  He was a really cool guy, he used to be in a band and he played guitar at the end of class. He taught me math and history, math was never fun for me but somehow he made it pretty awesome and History has always been my favorite class so that was fun too. The two people I considered my friends in 8th grade weren't really people I should have considered friends. One of them was Jake and the other was Albert. Jake has always been a dick to everyone, he thinks he is better than everyone else and treats you like shit and Albert... well I don't know why I was his friend, I don't know why I still am his friend. He tried to stab someone in the bathroom in 7th grade which I almost got expelled for because I didn't tell on him. Albert also didn't care about anyone else, after reading some of my dark poems about death he told me to commit suicide. I make some good friends eh?

    Thats all I really have to write about myself I think I covered just about everything thats happened in the past. Right now things are much better. I'm no longer as secluded as I used to be and I am much more.. well.. myself. I met the most amazing girl and she showed me a world I had never seen before, a world of total bliss. Every second I spend with her is incredible. I love her so much, she is the most beautiful girl in this world and I love everything about her.. I love you Destany<3     I guess thats all I have, now you know a little bit about me. Well, at least the depressing past and empty childhood. I shall post more recent stuff in the future and it probably won't be nearly as long. If you read this whole thing than all I have to say is thank you for caring enough to even want to know about me. =)