I hesitated to even post this.. It's more personal than I usually get on this topic. But I decided to post it regardless.
I have never forgiven you for leaving us. I will never understand how you could give everything up. I wish you hadn't ever had kids, or at least me because you couldn't handle it. Couldn't handle life. So fuck you for ruining my life.. fuck you.. I have spent my whole life trying to decide if I really do hate you.. or if I'm just lying to myself to make it all easier.. I still don't know. I've been thinking. Ever since I was at the rec center talking to the little kids. I couldn't figure out why I felt so awkward around them. Or any kids for that matter. Every time I think about having kids or being a father.. I get really freaked out. I'm scared that I will screw it all up. I'm scared they will hate me. I'm scared I will ruin their lives. I would never do to them what you did to me, and I would never do to Destany what you did to my mom. I could never harm her.. but, today, it suddenly hit me. I spend my whole life watching, observing, and learning from the things and people around me. (I figure thats how I become so good with words.) But I'm afraid of being a father, I'm afraid of going into something because I don't know where to start. I had no one to observe.. The only aspect of my life that I couldn't watch and learn from was fatherhood because YOU walked out on us, on everyone.With drugs.. with suicide.. (Although, on a side note, I must thank you. If you weren't a Vicodin addict I would have taken the pill Natalya gave me.. so thank you.) Anyway, that's why I'm so awkward and afraid of kids. I don't know where to start. I don't hate you.. but it would sure as hell be a lot easier if I did..
Forever your abandoned son,